Q I was recently advised to begin reading your column by my therapist. I am a 21-year-old male and a senior at an Ivy League school. Despite my academic success, I’ve battled a lot of stuff in the past few years: anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and porn addiction. It’s quite a load of shit to try to wade through, but I honestly feel I’m getting better.
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I cannot have a fulfilling sexual experience unless my desire to have a tilted power dynamic is understood and indulged, and I don’t think romantic love is possible for me without this part of me being accepted and appreciated. But when do I bring it up? I have this dread of that moment on a date—perhaps the first kiss—when things become unambiguously physical. WTF do I say? Should I try to get involved in a BDSM scene? Date “normal” people? Online personals? I don’t want to try to have sex again without it being known or understood. It feels like pretending and it sucks. —Seeks Understanding Baba
Which is not to say that submission and/or BDSM can’t be hugely important to an individual, SUB—and have as much to do with self-conception as with sexual expression. But you don’t have to come out to friends and family about being submissive—you don’t have to tell them about the stuff that turns you on—in order to fully accept yourself and get out there and find a nice girl who wants to subject you to her erotic whims.
Q I am a 21-year-old gay male. For the past six months, I have been having an affair with a man in his mid-40s. After our first hookup, he told me he was married and had three children. I was shocked at this. However, we continued to meet up for sex. I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with this man keeping me a secret. I have fallen for him and he has fallen for me, but I have no desire to break up his family. His wife was his high school sweetheart, and he says she is his best friend. He also tells me that if I were to quit our sexcapades, which happen to be the best sex I have ever had, he would find another man, or other men, because he is attracted to men. We hook up every week in discreet locations where he would never get caught. I don’t plan on telling anyone. I am torn, because we both acknowledge that, if the situation were different, we would make excellent life partners. I am deeply in love with this guy and want more out of our relationship; however, I respect him and would never out him. I just want to know if I should continue our relationship. —His Secret Love
A Sometimes my readers learn from me, SISF, and sometimes I learn from my readers. This is one of the latter times. Ladies who want to learn more about the Instead Softcup can go to the website: softcup.com. Thanks for sharing, SISF!
