Q I am the father of a recently out 18-year-old gay boy. Here’s the problem: My son is in a relationship with a 31-year-old guy. I’m not OK with that. Yes, my son is a legal adult at 18 and can make his own decisions, but he’s also still in high school. His mother argues that in order to be supportive, we can’t object to this relationship. I don’t think this is a gay-versus-straight objection. If I had an 18-year-old heterosexual daughter who was in a relationship with a 31-year-old man, I would have exactly the same concerns and objections. Beyond that, even if I can establish that it’s OK to have an objection, or to feel the need to take some action to be supportive for my son, I don’t know what I can or should do. What say you, oh wise one? —One Concerned Dad
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Here’s what I would do if I were in your shoes, OCD—I would take my son’s 31-year-old boyfriend out for a beer and ask him a lot of pointed questions: How did you meet my son? Are you having sex with my son? Are you using condoms? What is your HIV status? How old was your last boyfriend? And, finally, do you realize that I will tear you gay limb from gay limb if you hurt my gay kid?
As for your son, OCD, tell him that you realize gay guys his age sometimes date older men because there aren’t a lot of boys his own age to choose from. (If you didn’t already know that, now you do.) And tell your son that this gay dude you know—that would be me, OCD—told you that something’s usually wrong when a 31-year-old is dating a teenager. Something’s usually wrong with the 31-year-old. There are exceptions, of course, and maybe his boyfriend is exceptional—maybe he’s not a jerk who pursues naive boys because gay men his own age can see through his shit—but the simple fact of his age requires that he be subjected to a higher degree of scrutiny than a first boyfriend who was closer to your son’s own age.
As for those “sassy stereotypical caricature flamer types,” WASTED . . .
Firmly raise your concerns, AWA, but don’t make accusations. You may not have all the information. It’s possible that this man has no sexual interest in your nephew. It’s also possible that your nephew is gay, recently came out to his mother and father but wasn’t ready to come out to his extended family, and this man is mentoring your nephew at your sister’s request. But even so, fiftysomething gay men do not invite 13-year-old boys to sleepovers for the same reason fiftysomething straight men don’t invite 13-year-old girls to sleepovers: suspicions will be aroused, even if nothing else is. In my opinion, the invite itself is a mentor-disqualifying display of piss-poor judgment.
