What exactly was I thinking last night? What was she thinking last night? Hmmm. I could wait around or wake her up and get an answer but I think the best thing to do would be grab my shirt and get started on the walk of shame. It’s early enough so I will beat the other mistake makers from last night and avoid sidewalk traffic which is good because I feel a lot of head scratching will be taking place on this walk. Alright, grab my shirt (where the hell is it!?) and check to see if she has Pop-Tarts. Why does the girl always has a box or two of Pop-Tarts in her cupboard? Oh wait, there were those instances where I had a Fruit Roll-Up or a granola bar for breakfast, but a reserve box of Pop-Tarts is good form. Pop-Tart in hand and shirt on, I head for the door and stroll to my apartment. It’s the same path I have taken a million times to get home but it looks different. It’s early, the Night of the Living Dead parade has yet to flood the streets and this blueberry Pop-Tart is really hitting the spot. Last stop is CVS and next stop is the couch. Mindless television, homework, dinner and meet up with friends to share my adventure from the previous night, proceed to kick myself a few times, shake it off, and get on with the night. A new night with the possibility of all kinds of new mistakes, however, I think the next time I wake up with the next Miss What’s-Her-Face (I swear I know her from somewhere) will be a long time from now, ‘long time’ being relative. Maybe I should call that girl from last night tomorrow? Nah.

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That was spring of my sophomore year. I remember because the walk through campus that morning was really nice. It was the first warm weekend but the kind warm where you know it’s not a fluke. Flowers were blooming, teachers were heading to offices, bums were waking up on benches, a few people jogging. A really nice spring morning. The best thing was the quiet. It was kind of rare considering there were 50,000 undergrads which is why I always liked to avoid the other shame walkers on Saturday mornings. Things could get crowded quickly and worst of all, I would have to hear girls talk on their cell phones explaining how much they regret last night while also hearing guys brag (and most likely fabricate) what they did last night. It’s a pretty bad scene. Those nights and mornings always made me feel out of it. Shame mixed with a bit of surprise and a hint of satisfaction. Too much for me to really think over something that will go nowhere so I am left just shrugging and moving on. I did make a point to just stop the random hook-ups my senior year mostly because I had other things to think about and also because I just decided it’s not for me. I gave it an honest try and it didn’t take. It does work for some people, but I am just not the Larry Dallas type. I have friends who can’t wait to tell me about what guy or girl they took home the other night. I will say that girls do have better stories when it comes to this. They really don’t hold anything back and stick to the point where as the guys tend to get that James Frey vision where yeah, I am not doubting it happened but I am really doubting that it happened on your fire escape that is right by the police station which is behind your house and two cops were watching you. From a guy that has found himself in some strange situations (she did have lovely bondage equipment) I have to say yeah, I’m sure it happened but come on. Still, they are good stories. I can’t say that I haven’t had any strange and confusing make out sessions though:

Heartbroker: “Hey, what’s up? How are you?”Her: “I’m fine.”HB: “That’s cool. Hey, do you wanna hang out this weekend?”Her: “Did you make out with my roommate?”HB: “Isn’t your cousin your roommate?”Her: “Yes! And you made out with her!”HB: “I made out with your cousin!? Oh, that totally explains a lot. Seriously, I feel a sense of relief right now.”Her: “What? What does it explain?”HB: “Oh nothing. I just noticed that your hair got really thick all of a sudden and your lips were kind of different but duh, it was your cousin on the couch when I got out of the bathroom. I thought maybe you do something weird to your hair before bed, or like moisture and the weather…”Her: “Yeah…I was in bed waiting for you!”HB: “That was your cousin?”Her: “I can’t believe you did that!”HB: “Huh? First off it was dark and I have no clue where your bedroom is located and second, I can’t believe your cousin just makes out with guys that sit next to her on the couch, no questions asked. You know, stranger in your living room and she just makes out. That’s just really….”Her: “You’re an asshole!”HB: “I’m really sorry but it is kinda funny, you know. I mean it’s like, I don’t know, pretty funny. Like if we were on Judge Joe Brown explaining this I think…”Her: “I can’t believe you did that!”HB: “Oh man, that was totally your cousin! Wow! I thought it wasn’t you but didn’t know for sure. Really, it has been bugging me since I left on Saturday.”Her: “Yeah, well she just told me about it yesterday and you never called me!”HB: “Well, I mean I have been busy trying to solve this mystery but case closed. Plus I had band practice and was busy with a few things so I figured I would call today. Anyway, you busy tonight?”Her: “You’re an asshole!”HB: “Oh come on, how was I supposed to know? This weekend maybe… hey, hello? You there….”