QI have an awesome relationship with an awesome guy. He loves me and takes care of me. I’m GGG and he’s vanilla. I only draw the line at poop, animals, and children. But he’s never asked me for anything other than vanilla sex. Which is why I don’t know what to do. I went downstairs late the other night, and he was sitting on the couch masturbating while stroking the cat, which was sitting on his chest. The cat was sitting on him, Dan, while he was yanking himself. I don’t know if he saw me. I went right back upstairs and went to bed. In the morning, he acted like nothing happened. Now I don’t know what to do. Confront him? Get him help? Get rid of the cat? —Can’t Analyze This
C. Your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking the Almond Roca out of your cat’s ass.
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Now, you were there, CAT, and I wasn’t, which means you’re in a much better position to judge. But I think B and D are the likeliest scenarios: your boyfriend was having a wank when the cat jumped on him, for a few moments he divided his attentions between stroking the cat and stroking himself—those moments you were unlucky enough to witness—and at some point he pushed the cat off his chest and turned back to the task at hand.
And here’s the answer you’re likely to get: “I was jerking it and the cat jumped up on me and I petted her for a minute midwank—but I didn’t want to lose my hard-on and have to start all over, so the part of my brain that regulates higher boner function instructed my right hand to go into erection-maintenance mode. But I wasn’t perving on the cat, honey, I swear.”
QI agree with almost everything you say, Dan, but I have one complaint: you have made several comments over the years bashing meth users! I know, I know—meth has a bad reputation. But people used to say that smoking pot caused insanity! Don’t believe the hype! Being a meth addict is not good, but occasional use never hurt anyone. I only do it maybe five times a year, and unlike what you see in antimeth ads, I’m not crazy, I don’t have holes in my skin, and I’m not a junkie. Instead, I’m a straight-A female student from a wealthy suburban family. You know when I really like to get some meth? Around finals, so that I have lots of extra time to study. Stop bashing meth, Dan! —Occasional Meth User
“Meth wound up taking me places that I’m sure OMU doesn’t want to go,” says Trenton. “There is just no way to use meth safely. Even if she is not willing to listen to those who’ve come before her—and it sounds like she’s not—she could at least refrain from promoting a drug that has ruined so many lives.” (Gay-porn fans—particularly fans of behind-the-scenes pics of porn shoots—can follow Trenton Ducati on Twitter: @TrentonDucati.)
