QCould you tell my boy to calm the heck down? Can’t seem to get him to get the difference between bestiality, necrophilia, and screwin’ a bearskin rug. Emphasizing my usual sexual interests—which involve rope bondage, floggin’, and an e-stim unit—hasn’t worked. Logic isn’t helpin’ out at all. Maybe you can help?
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AWhat can you do? You mean besides send video of you and your bear in action to prove this isn’t the most entertaining fake letter I’ve received since Michelle Obama invited me to dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment? What can you do besides that?
You can do this: you can draw a distinction between what was going on in that bear’s mouth when your boyfriend walked in and what was going on in your head. When a man beats off—with or without a Fleshlight-enhanced bearskin rug—two things are kindasorta happening simultaneously: what the man is doing with his dick and what the man is imagining he’s doing with his dick. Guys who beat off using a clenched fist, for example, generally aren’t clenched-fist fetishists; they’re just horny and their fists are there and, say, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t. Fists provide necessary friction; imaginations provide sexy scenarios.
Now here’s my advice: chill the fuck out. Presumably, your girlfriend likes you, NEWB, and knows you’re a virgin. Which means she knows you’ll be a little nervous the first time you two have sex—the first time you have sex—and that there’s probably going to be some fumbling. But you wanna know a secret? Even sexually experienced adults—even adults who are really good at sex and have had tons of it—still get nervous, NEWB, and there’s no such thing as sex without some fumbling.
Look, I’m familiar with Portland’s Central Library, WIPE; I wrote huge chunks of two of my books there. The toilets are crowded, and there’s no way you can beat off in one without disturbing others. I don’t have a problem with people rubbing ’em out—hello—but guys who get off in public toilets because they get off on public toilets are forcing other people to serve as props in their masturbatory fantasies. And that ain’t cool.
