QI have been insecure about the way my vagina looks for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I would fantasize about the day I would grow pubic hair long enough to cover its unsightliness. That day never came, and I was left with an enormous insecurity about it. My labia minora is oversize quite a bit. I know that this is not uncommon, but its unattractiveness holds me back from receiving oral sex. I don’t even let my long-term boyfriend go down on me because I’m afraid he’ll think it’s gross and ugly. He assures me that he doesn’t care about the way it looks, but I can’t bring myself to let him do it. Any advice that might help dispel a lifetime of genital embarrassment? —Minora Is Majora
Which brings us to your partner, MIM. He’s into you and would like to go down on you. But if you’re quoting him accurately—if he’s telling you that he doesn’t care how your vulva looks—then he’s doing “assurance” all wrong. He’s saying “I’m willing to go down on you despite the unattractiveness of your vulva” when he needs to be saying “Your vulva is beautiful, and I want to go down on you.” Show him this column, MIM, and after he apologizes for screwing up the assurance thing, let him go down on you already.
“If nothing helps MIM see her long labia for the national treasure they are, then yes, there’s surgery,” said Herbenick. “Her insurance may not cover it and, yes, it can be painful (it’s surgery), and it will take several weeks to heal before she can have sex or even sit comfortably again. A challenge with vulva surgeries, of course, is a possible risk of loss of or change to sensation, and there is very little research on the long-term outcomes of these surgeries.”
AYou can certainly negotiate a “one-and-done” agreement, WAW, but if you find the idea of pissing on your boyfriend upsetting—if the thought doesn’t just leave you cold but actually revolts and/or traumatizes you—then you don’t have to go through with it. (You’re not trapped in some piss-fetish version of The Merchant of Venice, WAW. You don’t need a Portia to rescue you from this verbal contract.) As for sexy, safe, and sanitary: you don’t have to find it sexy, he’s not going to drown, droppeth your gentle rain upon him in the tub.
