QI am a college-age gay male. Last year I dated two guys. The first—let’s call him Mitt—I dated for five months. He broke up with me, and it hurt as much as breakups do, but I got over it. A few months later, I dated another guy—let’s call him Paul—for a month. I really liked him, but he broke up with me too. Then I found out that two days after breaking up with me, Paul started going out with Mitt. They knew I had dated each of them. It was the end of the school year, and I quickly left for vacation. The school year starts back up soon, and I am still pissed and hurt that they are dating. Do I have a right to be? Should I just get over myself? Should I just do my best to avoid them? —Exes Became a Couple
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But you have a right to your feelings, EBAC, and you should go ahead and feel the shit out of your pissed-and-hurt feelings. Two guys dated you, both dumped you, and now they’re dating each other. That’s gotta sting. So avoid your exes for now—why salt your wounds by hanging out with them?—but resist the urge to go to war with your exes. Don’t trash them on Facebook, don’t force your friends to choose sides. Smile and nod when you see them on campus, chat politely if you’re thrown together at parties, and just generally accept their relationship with as much good grace as you can muster.
Remember: the odds that these guys will be together forever are pretty slim. I’m not suggesting that their more-probable-than-not breakup should delight you, EBAC, only that you might not want to burn bridges because—college being college, gay men being gay men—you could wind up dating one or the other or both of these guys again. Or, more likely, you might want to be friends with one or the other or both of them once your hurt has burned off.
Right now, your relationship isn’t characterized by a healthy give-and-take of pleasure. You’re servicing your ex—or, to put it more charitably, you’re doing your ex a favor. The question for you, SMT, is how long you intend to go on doing him this particular favor. If the pleasure you’re taking in helping him realize his fantasies is enough, then perhaps you should keep doing him favors. But would you be writing to me about this situation if it were enough?
