QMy wife beat breast cancer five years ago. Went through chemo and radiation and ultimately radical surgery. Brave, lovely, and lucky woman she is. But after the procedures, she said she was proud of her post-op look and the zigzag scar across her chest. No new boobs for her. Moi? I don’t like going to bed with Peter Pan. We talked about this and she wants to stay scarred and boobless. I respect her wishes. It’s her body… so no plastic surgery. But I get weirded out instead of excited every time I see her nude. Our love life has gone the way of her boobs and I feel as guilty as hell because I can’t get over this. She will, however, wear boobs when we go to weddings and other functions. —I Miss HerBoobs
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But, um, that’s really neither here nor there. There are no conditions that breast implants can cure (erectile dysfunction doesn’t count), and the analogy is totally offensive, so I’m probably gonna have to disable my e-mail account for a week. Other offensive analogies spring instantly to mind: How would I feel if my boyfriend’s ass imploded? How would I feel if he grew a mustache? How would I feel if his body changed as he aged and after a few decades together he wasn’t the exact same 23-year-old club kid I picked up in that gay bar? But seeing as none of that will ever happen, let’s set these hypotheticals aside, shall we?
But you can’t get over it and she sees her new body—and perhaps the victory over death symbolized by those scars—as more important than your shared sex life. So you’re at an impasse and the standard advice for couples at an impasse—compromise—just won’t cut it. (“Maybe just one implant, honey? The left one was always my favorite…”) The only other compromise is so obvious and unsatisfactory—would she consider wearing her fake breasts to bed every now and then?—that you’ve probably already discussed and/or tried it. So, like, I’m really flailing here. In fact, my flailing was so obvious that a coworker—a straight guy—noticed and asked what was up.
And while we’re on the subject of all things Canadian, I said something on Real Time that seems to have upset all those normally placid, easygoing French-speaking Canadians. While discussing the hyper-religiosity of the American electorate, I made this observation: “Australia got the convicts. Canada got the French. We got the Puritans. We’re stuck with them.”
Decent folk are understandably angry with Ms. Kern. But instead of sending Sally an angry e-mail—excuse me, I mean in addition to sending her an angry e-mail (sallykern@okhouse.gov)—make Sally’s worst nightmares come true by sending a campaign contribution to Patrick Flaherty, who is running for alderman in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. If elected, Flaherty will be the first openly gay person to serve on the Milwaukee Common Council. He won an eight-way primary with 32 percent of the vote on February 19 and the general election is coming right up, on April 1. He’s been endorsed by Milwaukee’s mayor, the Victory Fund, and others. Go to his Web site: patricknewleadership.com.
