I’m an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. During my adolescent explorations of the Internet, I found a site with stories about “mind control,” usually involving the seduction of straight men. I was hooked. I’m not beating myself up for being a “bad person,” because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different, and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially I’m rather uncomfortable with my “addiction” to this fantasy.
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A desire to sexually control others, or be sexually controlled by others, is at the root of almost all sexual fantasies and fetishes, from foot fetishes to goop fetishes to BDSM. So there’s no need to feel like a freak, OK? And you’re clearly not a bad person, as you recognized on your own that your particular sexual-control fantasy is immoral (sex without consent is rape) and impossible (hypnosis doesn’t work that way). So cut yourself some slack.
Reading your letter, some folks will blame the Internet for your predicament. There you were, minding your own business, beating off in front of your computer, when a hypno-fetish site seized your screen and took over your sex life. That’s not how it works. Running across that hypno porn didn’t instill in you a desire to sexually control others, STAT–it tapped into a desire for sexual control that was already there. That hypno site just lit your fuse.
I’m married to a woman I love, but our sex life has become unbearable. We watched an HBO show about women strapping on dildos and doing their husbands. That inspired my wife to buy a strap-on dildo. Once would have been fine, but for the last year she only wants me to get off by masturbating while she does me with the strap-on. She masturbates herself while using the strap-on. She refuses counseling and insists I am being a prude. Does her selfishness signal some deeper problem? –Hurting in North Denver
Hey, everybody: In my haste last week to bang out a column about throat cancer and HPV, I overstated the effectiveness of the vaccine. For the record: the HPV vaccine has not been shown to be 100 percent effective “against the strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer in women,” as I reported, but 100 percent effective against the four deadliest strains of HPV, which are responsible for 70 percent of all cervical cancers.
