My roommate is into BDSM. Fine. I couldn’t care less about his sex life. He met two women at a BDSM club whom he regularly “plays” with. They enjoy being subjected to what he calls “erotic torments.” Fine. But he also watches BDSM pornography. Since he has no way of knowing if the women in the BDSM porn enjoy the “erotic torments” they’re subjected to, I don’t think it’s fine to view this pornography. These women could have been forced or they could be doing it because they’re in financial distress. Not fine. Therefore, I say it is impossible to enjoy any BDSM porn ethically. Do you agree? –He Enjoys Loathsome Pornography
Technology–credit cards, digital video production, the Internet–has revolutionized the porn industry. Yes, there are still big mainstream porn studios pumping out product, most of it nonfetish/kink. But today there’s also tons of fetish/kink porn being produced by and for fetishists of all stripes. Many of these smaller porn producers are superethical about the use and abuse of their models. That’s particularly the case with producers of BDSM porn, most of whom are acutely sensitive to charges of brutality because, well, their products can seem so brutal.
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I was upset but decided to give him another chance because I love him. Then a month ago I found another personal ad he placed. No naked pics this time, but the ad was also for a “mature curvy woman.” To make things worse, it was Valentine’s Day and I was eight months pregnant! He said he sent the last e-mail because he was “bored” since he is unemployed.
I discovered Savage Love only recently, and I was intrigued by the following statement from a column you wrote in December: “While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations.” My wife gets totally turned on by fantasizing about me with another guy. She doesn’t really want me to do it with another guy, she just gets off–hard–to the mental imagery.
