QMy boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s, love each other, and have been living together for two years. We have good sex once a week. I have a low libido, and I always have. But my sweet boyfriend needs more than once a week. Every once in a while, he brings up the fact that he’d like to have more sex. This conversation always goes the same way: he tells me, I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling like shit.
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Let’s say your boyfriend wants it four times a week and you can only “get into it” once a week. I’m not going to tell you to simply split the difference—have sex twice a week! everybody loses!—because that advice, which is pretty standard for couples in your situation, is fucking useless. Inevitably, the frequency of sex falls back to the level preferred by the partner with the lower libido—only one person loses!—but having been promised more sex, the other partner’s sense of resentment spikes, resulting in more tearful talks and, invariably, the relationship’s end.
Here’s what you should do instead: You commit to great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is well and thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—at least three additional times a week. You commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his lifesize, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week.
The next time someone touches you on the dance floor in a way that makes you uncomfortable, GISE, here’s what you do: No smiles, no dancing away, no polite attempts to deflect his attention. Stop dancing, make eye contact, shake your head slowly back and forth, and clearly mouth the word no. Then go back to dancing in whatever manner and in whatever space and with whatever partner you choose. And if the same guy attempts to pull you onto his thigh after you’ve given him the stop-stand-stare-no, GISE, do all women everywhere a favor and kick him in the nuts.
QPer your column last week: When a man puts his balls in someone’s ass, it’s referred to as “putting the dog in the bathtub,” because it’s so hard to accomplish. —Kevin
