I am a 24-year-old male somnophiliac–that is, I’m turned on by the idea of having sex with a woman while she sleeps. So long as we have a healthy awake sex life, my wife says I can do whatever I like when she sleeps. The problem is that when I try to touch her in her sleep, she whimpers, turns away, and otherwise makes herself inaccessible. Only on two occasions has she been in a deep enough sleep–read: drunk/passed out–for me to take the liberties that she has OK’d.
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My boyfriend is a straight guy who likes me, his not-so-straight fiancee, to play with his ass. Sometimes I use a vibrator or strap-on, but usually it’s just a finger. Can you tell me how in fucking hell do I get rid of “stinky poo finger”? Whenever I finger his ass, we stop fooling around so I can wash my hands–and sometimes I can’t get the smell off after washing for a good five minutes. I’m lucky he’s still hard when I get out of the bathroom. –Stinky Poo Finger
If his butt musk bothers you so much, SPF, slip a condom over your finger before you stick it in his ass. Next!
Recently my wife and I went to a New England ocean-side resort an hour from where we live. You would instantly recognize the name, as it is also a gay mecca. I booked a massage. The masseur was gay. He started on my stomach, periodically brushing along the very top of my pubic hairs as his fingers glided along the very tiny towel covering my cock. Tropistically, I started to become erect, thereby elevating the towel; I apologized profusely. (Seriously, Dan, I was embarrassed.) He sweetly diffused my embarrassment by saying, “You straight guys are so polite.” Then I got the best fucking hand job I have ever had in my entire life–I nearly passed out. Now I want to go back. Might this be considered buying sex? But is it really sex? I am hardly attracted to him, physically or emotionally, and I have no desire to reciprocate. Ergo, is it “sex”? –A Recent Rub Slut
I’ve been reading your column since my early teens. I am now 21, in my first serious relationship, and thanking my lucky stars every day that your column was in the paper every week when I was growing up. My teenage brain soaked up everything you wrote. Your liberal views on everything from same-sex marriage to a person’s God-given right to pee on himself if he wants to set an example that the crusty old lady teaching sex ed in high school failed to.
Savage Love: People helping perverts help babies. Next!
