Longtime reader with a vanilla question: What to do about differing libidos? We’re a straight couple together 20-plus years, and we’ve aged well. No weight gain, no radical changes in appearance. We’re open and loving, and I’m cognizant of her needs and feelings. Yesterday I read an interview with Joan Sewell, author of I’d Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido, and handed it to my wife, observing that this is the new ideal: women laughing at their male partners and shrugging their shoulders about women’s general lack of desire. My spouse can now point at this book and say, “You see, I’m normal, and so are all of my friends, ha ha ha, live with it . . . ”
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All that yammering about women with voracious sexual appetites during Sex and the City’s long reign of terror? A cruel hoax, a Big Lie picked up on and promoted by self-serving female “sexperts” eager to tell straight men what they wanted to hear. Women have naturally lower sex drives, Sewell writes. It’s a hormonal thing. Testosterone makes humans horny, men have lots more than women, so men are hornier–and all the Sex and the City repeats in the world aren’t going to change that.
So if straight women don’t want sex–or as much sex–what do they want? Chocolate, says Sewell, or a good book. Massive amounts of carbs, says Loh, who approvingly writes of a lesbian couple she knows. With no men around demanding sex, Loh’s lesbian friends are livin’ the dream: “Teri and Pat have had a special Monday-night ritual. They order an extra-large cheese pizza,” writes Loh. While they wait for their pizza, “they settle in on the couch with large twin bags of Doritos. Each chip is dipped first in cream cheese and then in salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. Cream cheese, salsa. . . . The Doritos are finished to the last crumb, and then, upon arrival, the pizza as well.” (No dessert is mentioned–I imagine it’s just one wafer-thin mint.) Teri and Pat are 50 pounds overweight and suffer from “lesbian bed death,” but for them, pizza-and-Doritos night is “better than sex.” Loh, who has a sex-starved husband at home, is green with envy.
And, my God, chocolate sprinkles for your cock? How humiliating is that? Here’s the message these tins of frosting send to men: she would put your dick in her mouth if only it tasted less like cock and more like cupcakes. No more, guys–toss the lotions and potions and let your dicks be dicks again.
Well, I should say that he designed straight men and straight women to be sexually incompatible. Lesbian couples, with their bags of Doritos, and gay couples, with our mutually insatiable sexual appetites, seem pretty intelligently designed. Thank you, Jesus!
