QI am currently dating a guy who is nice, funny, has a good “dating resumé,” i.e., never married, good job, no issues. I have a good time when we are together, and he treats me fine. The problem is that we have the most ridiculously boring sex. Super vanilla, totally predictable, and I never come. There’s no foreplay, he rarely eats pussy, and when he does it’s not good. It’s totally frustrating, but I try not to put too much weight on it since other aspects of our relationship are ideal.
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The question I have for you is this: how much weight should a person put on good sex in a long-term relationship? I can’t imagine having to masturbate for the rest of my life just to end up with Mr. Nice Guy. What should I do about this mess? —An Unmarried Woman
You’re dating a nice, funny guy who treats you well—he’s marriage material!—but the sex is so lousy you’re cheating on him with your non-marriage-material ex. So what have we learned about ourselves in our current relationship, AUW? That you’re the type of person who will cheat on a nice, funny guy if she feels deprived of good, hot sex. Therefore it would be in your best interest—and your future husband’s best interest—for you to be with a guy who isn’t merely nice and funny but also good and hot. Wouldn’t you agree?
QYour advice to Auntie Mame last week is a pristine example of why I love your column, but I have a quibble! You ended that column by recounting a tragic death and issuing a stern rule: “Never leave a tied-up person alone, kids. It’s dangerous and dumb.”
Nevertheless, it’s not safe to leave a tied-up person alone. What if there’s a fire while you’re at the movies? What if while you’re out shopping, the boyfriend panics, hyperventilates, passes out, and falls against the ropes in such a way that restricts his breathing? What if a rabid raccoon gets onto your deck and chews his dick off? Tragic scenarios—I’ve got a million of ’em.
