Hey, everybody: by now you’ve no doubt heard the news that America’s favorite crystal-meth-snorting, male-escort-blowing evangelical Christian pastor is cured! While 99.9 percent of wannabe ex-gays struggle to overcome their homosexuality for decades, Ted Haggard was pronounced “completely heterosexual” after just 21 days of counseling! Don’t you just love a happy ending?
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Yippee! I’m completely heterosexual, too! And as everyone knows, once you’re completely heterosexual all your troubles are over. Just ask San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom. But that’s all the space I can waste on that yam-faced faggot Haggard. Because it’s Valentine’s Day–or it just was, depending on when your local alt-weekly comes out–and to counter the impression that fetishes and impulsive hookups always lead to conflict and heartache, I asked vanilla types contentedly partnered with kinky motherfuckers and vice versa, along with anyone who ever took a chance on an anonymous piece of ass and wound up marrying it, to send me their stories. In honor of Ted Haggard, this week’s happy endings are completely heterosexual. Happy Valentine’s Day.
I’m a straight male cross-dressing sissy and even though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I told my wife about it before we had a lot invested in the relationship. We’ve been together five years and I never imagined being this happy. –Sweat Shop Sissy
I was a shy 18-year-old virgin. KB was wise enough to let out his kinky side a little at a time, starting with new positions. (I actually thought missionary was the only physically possible way to have sex.) Over three years he revealed a laundry list of kinks: BDSM, swinging, anal, earning money by homosexual favors, and three- (or more) ways. Each revelation left me wondering what I was getting into, but I always jumped in and never had any regrets. We eventually got married over the protests of everyone we knew.
OK, those were the straight happy endings–the ones I could fit in the column. There are tons more at thestranger.com/savage/heterohappyendings. In next week’s Savage Love, shitloads of completely queer happy endings, also in honor of Ted Haggard.
