Q I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women. You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street. He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too sensitive. What is your advice to me? —Fat and Teased
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And you know what, FAT? He constantly made disparaging comments about gay men he saw on the street or on TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did. He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who believed him when he said that he wasn’t really that into men. (By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no one.)
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this motherfucker, FAT, let’s consider reforming him. Say he’s totally into you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But, like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he’s not into your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person you are on the inside—which makes him one of the “good guys,” i.e., a guy who isn’t so shallow as to let a little thing like your weight come between the two of you.
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side. While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—”ugly” is an entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, “body of a Greek god” counts as ugly—you’re under no obligation to marry a man who’s in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the pleasure you’re expected to provide to it/take from it.
You’re welcome.
