QI’m an 18-year-old straight female. Two nights ago, I went to a party. My ex-boyfriend was present, but my current boyfriend was not. I had several beers, and while I wasn’t drunk, I was tipsy. I had to go to my car to get my cell phone, and my ex offered to accompany me. When we got to the car, he pushed me against the car and started making out with me. I tried to push him away and said, “No, I can’t” several times. He kept trying to pull my pants down, and every time he did, I pulled them back up. He took his dick out and tried again to pull down my pants. I know it sounds stupid, but all I could get out were meek “Nos” and “I can’ts.” I was afraid of a confrontation because he and I have been friendly since we broke up. I eventually discontinued my attempts to pull my pants back up because I figured the easiest way to get out of this situation was to let him finish. He had sex with me. I wanted to cry the whole time, but as much as I wanted to scream, “Stop! Get the fuck off of me!” I couldn’t get the words out.
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I called my boyfriend when I got home and told him what happened. He is angry because he thinks I had a part in it. I don’t know how to make him understand how many times I said no and how at first I physically stopped my ex from taking my clothes off. My boyfriend and I have been through a lot together, and we talked about getting married one day. I never wanted to cheat on him, and while I feel guilty about what happened, I think he’s being harsh on me considering I succumbed to force.
So what do you do now? I’d suggest a bit more contact with your ex. You need to confront him—for your own sake, DREAD, but also for the sake of all other women he’s going to encounter over the course of his life. If you can’t face him, call him. If you can’t speak to him, write him (a letter, not an e-mail). Wherever he is right now, he’s rationalizing away his responsibility for what happened. He may be telling himself that he was drunk, that you were drunk, and that, sure, he may have been aggressive at first, but that you came around and enjoyed it as much as he did. He needs to hear from you that you regard—and, for what it’s worth, I regard—what happened as rape. Tell him that he didn’t get away with it—that he raped you, you know it, and now he knows it. Then tell him that if the circumstances were just a little less ambiguous, DREAD, you would be going to the police.
ADrop the subtlety, REAM. No more faux-loving hints about the importance of diet and exercise—he reacts negatively to that shit because he’s picking up on your dishonesty. You’re not concerned for his health, REAM, you’re concerned for your sex life and what the death of your attraction to him means for this relationship. So give it to him straight: You’re not attracted to fatties, which is why you pursued him four years ago, and his weight gain is killing your sex life and threatening the survival of your relationship. If he values this relationship, he’ll get his ass off the couch.
