QI’m going to Barack Obama’s inauguration in Washington, D.C., on January 20. I’ve spent eight years, one month, one week, and one day waiting for this. (But who’s counting?) However, I am looking for suggestions for a respectful way to protest the participation of Rick Warren. As a lifelong Episcopalian, I really don’t want to engage in an antireligious protest. (FWIW: I was annoyed with some of the antireligious people at the anti-8 rallies. We need all our allies for this fight, so don’t trash the engaged, progressive religious folk!)
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AWhatever you do, FOG, don’t do those things you, um, already said you don’t want to do. No one should boo or throw shoes or do anything disruptive. The American Taliban love to pretend that they’re the persecuted ones around here, and booing or throwing shoes or even just turning your back on Warren—the gay hatin’, right-wing Christian bigot Obama invited to give the invocation at his inauguration—will invariably be spun as an attack on people of faith, as a vicious assault on prayer itself, as the moral equivalent of a syphilitic rent boy pissing directly into the open mouth of a crying baby Jesus.
And speaking of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life…
(3) The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick between the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner (maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way of finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on my wife’s sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise position when your partner won’t allow anal entry.
Those are the nominees, ladies and gentlemen. But before we open the polls for a vote—you’re going to pick the winning definition!—let me quickly handicap the candidates:
(5) Hilarious—and an entirely appropriate way to honor Reverend Warren, who is a proponent of abstinence education, the “sex ed” that has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that buttfucking isn’t actually sex.
