Q I’m writing to you to settle a dispute between my husband and me. We’ve been married for six years. We’re not terribly adventurous, but we’re not totally vanilla, either. However, there’s one issue that’s driving me insane: my husband constantly pesters me to have anal sex. We’ve tried it in the past, and it is not my bag. I don’t enjoy it at all. But my husband will not stop pestering me. He thinks if we just keep trying, eventually I’ll come around to liking it. I’m pretty GGG, Dan, but this is one place where I draw the line. He thinks I’m being unreasonable; I think he is. Do I need to give in, or does he need to get off my back? —Needing Expert Advice
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But before I let you off the anal hook: I’m assuming that your emphases—”not my bag,” “don’t enjoy it at all”—mean that you find anal penetration to be a physical trial and/or an emotional torment. “I could take it or leave it” or “There’s nothing in that for me” or “That leaves me cold” aren’t good enough reasons to refuse to indulge your spouse occasionally in whatever it is that gets him/her off. While it would be wonderful if every couple’s sex life consisted entirely of acts that both partners found equally thrilling—so egalitarian! So fairzees!—a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples, to trust to coincidence alone.
Okay, NEA, getting back to your ass: you tried it, you didn’t like it, and you don’t have to keep doing it. And, yes, your husband should stop pestering you about it, NEA, but you do have to let him grieve—grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get from you and, if you’re monogamous, grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get anywhere else.
I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire state legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty—no anal during your butt menses!—and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.
—Achingly Needs Anal Love
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