I’m a 28-year-old straight woman who’s been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I went to sit down on it, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I’ve come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality and was located where his butt-crack region was placed during the encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells like!

—Shit on Furniture Annoys Girl a Lot

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My wife and I got into S-M about two years ago, and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing up an otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the usual doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally gets courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping our game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hard-core beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our boundaries.

I’m a 23-year-old straight female. I’ve been friends with this guy for the past two and a half years and would like to continue. Problem is, he gets jealous (because he has the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a bit distant whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not sure if I should approach him about this or not. —Just Friends Jealousy