Q I’m a 28-year-old post-op transsexual woman. I met a great 31-year-old guy. We’ve been dating for a year, but he recently told me that he didn’t think he was sure he was in love with me. He said that he didn’t know if he could give me any sort of commitment, and that he’s afraid of what his peers would think if they knew my medical past. I can’t say that I’m sure I’m in love with him either, but I do know that we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company and miss each other immensely when we’re not together. However, he asked to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship.
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A (longish) aside: The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc.
Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol’ memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start. But there are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how sure they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their futures.
I think this is some super vile shit, and I’m horrified that someone I considered a friend would be such an asshole. I’d like to tell him how I feel about this, but at the same time, I can’t afford for my relationship with him to sour. I’ve heard that he deleted the video, so maybe what my girlfriend’s friend doesn’t know can’t hurt her. One potentially pertinent piece of information is that my girlfriend’s first sex partner secretly filmed her and showed it to everyone in her high school, and it scarred her. I think she would be super upset to find out about what this guy did to her friend. I want to do the right thing here, but it’s not obvious what that is. Help! —Video Is Defining Ethical Obligations
Q My roommate and I were wondering why the “tech-savvy” youth who work on your podcast are “at risk.” He says your podcast is a community-service program for at-risk kids; I say that they’re at risk working for a sex columnist. Which is it? We would call, but we live in Canada. —Canadian Fans
