Q I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing’s been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him? —Threesome Complications
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And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.
At a certain point in a new relationship, we have to bring our new partner’s perceptions of who we are in line with who we actually are. You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of. If your boyfriend regards these facts about you—can have a threesome, can remain on good terms—as negatives, well, then you need to DTMFA.
A Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose antibullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).
But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.
Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like. Let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.
