QI’m a straight woman who loves my boyfriend, but sex isn’t a priority for me. His sex drive, on the other hand, is ridiculous. He gets very upset when I don’t have sex with him and accuses me of not being interested in him anymore, which isn’t the case. I just can’t fuck on demand! Most people would probably say that my boyfriend is an insensitive asshole for pressuring me for sex. Except this was a switcheroo exercise: I, the girlfriend, want more sex. He, my boyfriend, doesn’t see sex as a priority. When we first started dating, we had sex every day—it was incredible—but around the four-month mark, something changed. I’ve had to beg for it ever since—and I mean beg. I give him space, I take care of things on my own for as long as I can, and right around the time when I feel myself start to get really anxious, I ask for sex. And I am rejected. Only when I’m so hurt that I’m literally sobbing on the floor is he suddenly interested in having sex with me. Right then, right there. It happens about twice a month. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and would be a fool to leave him. Other than the sex, everything is wonderful. He is the best and most thoughtful boyfriend ever, but he says he likes being the one who’s controlling the sex. Maybe I am just being a colossal asshole? My problem sounds mundane, I know, but it’s killing me. —Sexless and Depressed
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ASorry, SAD, but relationship graveyards around the world are crowded with tombstones that read, “Everything was great . . . other than the sex.”
Frequency is not a problem that improves with time, SAD. A boyfriend who wants sex only twice a month at four months into a relationship—and then only when his girlfriend is sobbing—won’t want sex once a week five or ten years in. You know what else doesn’t improve with time? Assholery. I promise you that the “wonderful” and “thoughtful” will diminish as the years fly by, and the emotionally abusive games that cause you so much pain—pain that, again, seems to give him pleasure—will metastasize, spreading from your sex life to other areas of your life. The more difficult extricating yourself from this relationship becomes, SAD, the less wonderful and thoughtful he’ll become.
QMy husband and I have been married for 20 years, and we both also share our lives with additional partners. Rather than spend a lot of time dishing about whom and how we love—and how fortunate we feel!—I’d like to get right to my plea for support. I want freedom. I want the freedom in my life that I’ve always wanted for you, Dan: to be able to live and love and talk about your actual life without being afraid that it could cost you your job, your kids, your family. Having to live in the closet is difficult. I cannot say that it is as difficult for us as it is for someone who is LGBT. I did not know I was “poly” as a kid. I never felt like I didn’t fit in for that reason growing up—and I agree with you that this is a relationship structure rather than a sexual orientation. But it doesn’t matter. This isn’t a contest about who suffers more or where these things come from. Instead, I think we should ask ourselves if we stand for the same things and if we can become part of a movement toward freedom and equality for everyone, even if some of the ways we live and love are choices and some are not. The progress we have made together toward a more tolerant world for gay people gives me hope that we could be next. I don’t think you are the emperor of acronyms, Dan, but you should be, and that is why I am starting with you. So can we be added to the acronym, please? Perhaps we can honor the differences between our experience and the LGBT experience with an ampersand. What do you think of LGBT&P? —Privately Polyamorous Person
So . . . gee . . . maybe I ought to let you have your ampersand. Why not steal punctuation marks from the haters, too?
