I think I have a condition. I guess we could call it a heart condition for the sake of this blog but a condition none the less. See every time I find myself in a lame relationship or dating a girl that makes me question what the hell it is I am doing with her, I become all tense. I get all locked up and hardly say a word which is way out of character. Granted most of my conversations with people are pretty monosyllabic (dude, man, yeah) but even those are few and far between. It’s not that I have nothing to say but I just start thinking and the thinking completely takes over. So much so that I can’t really tell if I did say something or if it was just a thought in my head (just a thought, way too many multi-syllable words for it to be anything else). It can last a day or a week, just depends on when I decide to open my head and spill my brain all over the floor of the soon to be ex-girlfriend’s living room. The thing is I don’t want to be the one to tell her that it’s over. I hope that my distant behavior will cause her to beat me to the punch. She dumps me and then I can feel relief and move on. It would be the easiest way out but probably the worst. She dumps me, I don’t really care but then when people ask and I say ‘she dumped me’, then here comes the sympathy which I cannot stand. Oh, and there is the pleasure of hearing ‘I am so sorry’ from all of my friends which leaves me rubbing my face and explaining how it’s great that you feel sorry or whatever, but I am and will be fine. Then I have to come clean and say that I never really cared in the first place about her and it was going nowhere and then go on about girls and all the wrongs and rights of the last girlfriend all the while I am noticing tons of single ladies in the bar or the park or where ever this one person pity party that I r.s.v.p. no to takes place. I never feel good about it and as a way to make it easier I even tell her that she can put all responsibility on me. If people ask just tell them I am a total asshole and a jerk and feel free to hate me for as long as you want. I don’t really care to be honest, I just want out of this as soon as possible and I know I will be fine so my concern is will she be fine. It’s not one of those ‘it’s not you it’s me’ things but more like ‘it is you and it’s me and we no longer you and me’ thing. All the thinking and the build up stems from a lot of things that I learned about the person during the relationship. Anything I don’t agree with I usually let go right away. I can’t dwell on anything because that will get nowhere so I whenever one of those red flag points comes up, I give it a second’s worth of thought, drop it and move on. It works well because the girl usually bounces back from what she just did and said and redeems herself without even realizing it and I am sure she does the same thing when I say something dumb or maybe react differently than what she was expecting. She must let things go otherwise I would not find myself trying to read or watch tv only to find myself convincing myself I am not a total jerk for not just letting whatever she did go. It’s usually that last thing that she said before I shut down all communication that makes me actually take a hard look at who this chick is exactly and my findings are less than good, at least for me anyway.
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The following Wednesday I was on a first (blind) date with a different guy. He brought absolutely nothing to the table and I had a tough time staying awake. I wasn’t acting like my usual sparkly self because, really, why bother. Towards the end of drinks (we had 2) we were finally talking about something that I found interesting, and I became more animated. He said to me that as I became drunker, my accent came out and I was more “Jewy”. There are so many things wrong with that statement that it’s hard to know where to begin. For starters, I wasn’t drunk. I had 2 beers. You were just boring. Secondly, I don’t have an accent. Dummy. Thirdly, do not refer to a Jewish person as “Jewy.” It’s insulting and makes you sound ignorant.
