Q I’m a 21-year-old gay male. My friend “Marcelo” is friends with “Chad.” Everyone who meets Chad assumes he’s gay. Never had a girlfriend, a dance major, dyes his hair blond/green/purple, got up at 2 AM to watch Kate marry William—I could go on. Over four years at college, this situation has gone from funny to sad, as we realize he may never come out and could pull a Marcus Bachmann and live a miserable life with a miserable wife. Last night Marcelo was on Grindr and got a message from a guy who turned out to be Chad! Chad sent a face pic, Marcelo sent a faceless one back, they chatted. It turns out that Chad is experienced enough to know his homosex likes and dislikes and carry on a detailed conversation about them with a guy on Grindr. Should we say something to Chad? Would letting him know he’s been outed be the best course of action? Should we have a gayvention? —Closet Case Confusion
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Before Al Gore invented the Internet and ruined everything for everyone forever, a college-age closet case had to work up the nerve to visit the campus gay bar if he wanted some dick. (Or visit the cruisey bathroom in the undergraduate library, but let’s leave that one alone for now.) The closet case knew he was running a risk by showing his face in the campus gay bar—even the gay bar three towns over—but going to the bar was the only way to get some dick. So the pre-Grindr college-age closet case would slip into a gay bar and, after pounding shots in a wildly successful effort to self-medicate against his inhibitions, wind up shirtless on the dance floor making out with some random dude.
And if you’d engaged in a little subterfuge—if you, say, ducked behind a post when you saw the closet case come in so he wouldn’t spot you and flee the gay bar pre–shots/shirtless-make-out-session—that was an understandable impulse and forgivable sin.
Third, I think you should discuss this with your girlfriend, but I don’t think you must. You’re 18, you’re not married, you (briefly) kissed a boy, and you didn’t like it. If you think coming clean would destroy your relationship and you’re sure it’s never going to happen again, stuff this one up your memory hole.
Now, it’s possible that your enjoyment of exhibitionism is so pure that the gender of the person or persons involved is irrelevant. That’s not the case with my kinks, SAW, nor does it appear to be the case with your new spank buddy. And considering your friend’s kink (punishment) and his faith (Catholic), I’m thinkin’ the odds that your buddy has a few forbidden desires—perhaps gay ones—that led to his erotic obsession with being punished seem . . . oh, I dunno . . . kinda high. It may not have been gay for you, but it was gay for him.
